#MeToo

I don't ever want another man to touch me ever again. Ever since my last encounter with a man, everything else has been more intense. The way I feel about life is more intense. The encounter wasn't bad or anything, but the circumstances of how I got into the situation wasn't good. I haven't been feeling well emotionally lately and on the way to meet this guy, I kept telling myself, "you can turn around at anytime. You don't have to do this." But I kept going. I took myself to that place. I let myself drink and I let him inside me. I did want it in that moment. And I don't blame him for anything. He did nothing wrong. I can't say that for other men and other situations I've been in. I feel like I'm just a body. Like I'm a thing people use for their own pleasure.

Yesterday, I went to a church to see my friend get baptized. I am very happy for him. I am happy that he has found what it was he was looking for. While I was there, I heard this man's testimony. During his story, I began to feel something. He spoke of how he was sexually abused when he was young. Like 5 or 6. When he spoke of this, I something deep inside me wanting to burst out and say "Me too." Ever since then, I keep thinking about everything that's happened to me and to every other woman. I thought something was calling me to go back to the church today to hear the Sunday service. I got dressed, even put on makeup. I drove to Dallas, doing my best to not crash my car. When I arrived, I felt eyes on me. These eyes said "you don't belong here." I don't believe it was the people. I believe it was my own anxiety and that no one was really even paying attention to me. But when I arrived to the sanctuary, the service was over. It had happened earlier and I missed it. And my heart shattered in that moment. I left the church in tears. The man at the door asked if I was okay, and I replied, "I'm fine," while smiling through the tears. No one could help me. I went to God for help, and he wasn't there.

I'm completely alone. We all are.

Men think they have some kind of claim over women. Like we're their property. They think they can do whatever they want with us. And we're terrified of talking about it. We're afraid because they could hurt us. And they'll get away with it simply because of their gender. I so desperately wish I could talk about what happened to me. But I can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to share my story. Women in my position feel a need to protect their abuser. Typically because it's a friend, neighbor, or even a family member. We still see this person on a regular basis, because we don't have a choice. But we're are afraid of them.

For so long, I had pushed these thoughts and memories to the back of my mind. It wasn't until I found out I was having a girl that the memories came back. I started having nightmares of my abuser. I was terrified of them being around my child. I still am. I still get really anxious when they are around her. I try to keep the closest eye on her when this person is around.

Lately, things have been getting worse. I think of my moods as colors, and lately I've been very gray, rather than my usual pink. It feels as though there's something missing in my life. And I keep thinking that I need a person. I fantasize about a man that loves and respects me, and only wants my happiness. But I don't see that happening. I don't see myself actually being happy with someone. Because who would love someone like me. I don't have a good track record with relationships.

My mom asked me today where I want to be in two years. I couldn't tell her that I don't see myself in two years. I don't feel like I'm gonna be around in two years. If I am, it's the same place I'm in right now. Sure, I have hope that things will get better, but who knows if I keep falling into the same routines that I've been in.

My daughter turned one last week. I am trying so hard to stay here for her. I want to be there when she goes to school, when she cries over some stupid boy, when she goes to college (if she chooses that path). I want to see her grow up and live her life to the fullest. But I don't want to just watch her. I want to live my life with her. I want to experience things with her. I want to show her the world. I love her more than anything in the world. She is my most amazing accomplishment.

Turn And Face The Strange

"There's Lots of Opportunities, If There Aren't You Can Make Them." - Pet Shop Boys (This does not go with the title at all....)

I'm in a very low place in my life right now. I had this thought in my head for years that nothing horrible has ever happened to me so one day, something completely devastating is going to occur. A few months ago, after I gave birth to my first child, I began to have thoughts about how I was going to die. I was 100% convinced that I would die in a car crash. Well, I thought I was going to get in a terrible crash and end up going to the hospital and I would die there because my injuries were too severe. On November 19, 2017 at about 1:45 am, that thought went away. I was in a car crash where my car was totaled. I'm so blessed to be alive. My outlook on life has completely changed. I wouldn't say I'm out of my depression, but I'm actively trying to get out of it. There are still tasks on this Earth I need to accomplish. I still have a purpose, or else I wouldn't be here.

I might not know what my purpose is, but I know it's not to work at the front desk of a hotel. No matter how fancy it is. I am completely unsatisfied now. I don't contribute much to the greater good working here. Sure, it brings me pleasure to make someone's day good and to put a smile on their face. But I was put here for so much more than that. While I do complain about my job, I really do like it and of course I could go far in my industry. I have unlimited potential. So why would I want to waste that in this role.

Before I got pregnant, I was very spiritual. I was on my way to reaching astral projection. I heavily believe in the universe and that we are all spirits traveling through time and space, living many lives in many dimensions. When I found out I was expecting, my spiritual journey came to a halt and my anxiety became a defining factor of who I am. I started to think about the world differently. I was afraid for myself and for my daughter. It seemed that as soon as I found out about my pregnancy, the modern feminist movement became very real to me. Social issues started becoming important. I thought about the world I would be bringing my daughter into and I realized how truly scary it was.

After the accident, I feel differently about the world. It's big and it can be scary, but we are all here for a reason and there really is nothing to be afraid of. We need to be strong and teach our children to be strong. After this wreck, I feel like I've changed. I feel like my old self. I feel like I'm the girl that is constantly trying to get better. I haven't let other people bring me down. I don't get annoyed by the things that don't matter. I don't feel overly dramatic. I feel good. Hopefully this feeling lasts a lifetime.

I'm A Mom Now

As you an imagine, I've had a million and one things on my mind lately. For those who might be a month behind everyone else, I have had a baby. Willow Grace Alterman-Shavers. (I decided to hyphenate her last name so that when she's older, she can choose whichever name she feels she associates with more.) When I was pregnant, I had a plethora of people giving me unsolicited advice. "Don't spoil her." "You need to let her cry. It's good for her lungs." "Breast is best." "She needs to be vaccinated." "If you vaccinate her, she might become autistic." Thank you friends, family, and strangers. Really, thank you. Being a parent is the biggest responsibility I have ever taken on and I need all the help I can get. Now, there is some advice that I was given that did not resonate well with me. As a parent, you want the best for your child and it's your job to do what you feel is right. When I was in the hospital, nurses would ask me questions about what I want to do for her. Do you want to give her a pacifier? Do you want to supplement your breast milk with formula? Do you want me to take her to the nursery for a little bit? There were so many decisions I had to make and I wasn't prepared for any of them. I was overwhelmed and she wasn't even 2 days old. I had heard from other people and read in articles all of this information that seemed valid. "Don't let her out of your sight. Breastfeeding is the best way to bond with your child. Feed on demand. Etc." And I thought to myself, okay yeah. No problem. I can do all that. I was surely mistaken.

I was very unsuccessful with breastfeeding. In the hospital, I was beyond exhausted and breastfeeding was very uncomfortable for me. I didn't like that so many people were watching as I attempted it. Willow wouldn't latch on properly to my left breast and eventually gave up and rejected it before her first week of life, which forced us to start supplementing with formula. After giving birth, I completely lost my appetite. I stopped eating which of course meant there was no nutritional value in my breast milk. By the end of her second week, she was rejecting my right breast as well. By then, I was so tired and sore from pushing a human out of me, pumping wasn't an option. Formula became my life saver.

My baby cried a lot her first month. I think that's mainly because I was still trying to get the hang of things. I didn't know how much to feed her and when. Every baby is different so the whole "2.5oz every 3-4 hours" doesn't work for everyone. Not to mention when you're formula feeding, you can't just give your baby whichever formula is the cheapest. You have to test out different kinds to see what works best for your baby. We are on our second formula right now and it seems to be working well. When I switched from breastfeeding to formula, I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. I wanted what was best for her, and it took me several days to realize that my breast milk wasn't the best thing for her. My mom told me that I also have to do what's best for me. Having a baby on my tit 24/7 was killing me. When I tried to sleep, I could hear voices shouting in my head. My back hurt so bad from carrying her and leaning over to changer her diaper, when I would lie down, I burst into tears. I was suffering. But as soon as we completely switched over to formula, baby and I were much happier. She was still colicky, but at least she wasn't starving.

It's been nearly a month and we're doing much better. I can read her better now and she cries less. As difficult as this mom-thing is, it's also really fun. I have a little tiny human that I get to play with as much as I want. She is so cute and makes the funniest faces. She farts a lot and she laughs in her sleep. I am so blessed to have this beautiful baby in my life and I would do absolutely anything for her.

Dear Me

Dear 15 year old Rachael,

Oh how there are so many things I wish to tell you. You're going to make A LOT of mistakes. But you will learn from most of them. There are some mistakes you will make that do take a bit longer to sink in. Pretty much anything that has to do with a boy. You won't understand those until you're 20. I was reading some of the things you wrote in your old journal. So naive. And that's okay. Most girls your age were. But did you really think that having a boyfriend was going to make you happy? I understand, you had never been with anyone before. You couldn't grasp the commitment of what a real relationship took. Commitment is hard. Why didn't guys like you? Rachael, they did. Just not the guys you wanted. I get it, "bad boys are hot." But were they really? The guys you liked were morons.

If I could truly speak to my younger self, I would like to say that boys are not important at all. Young boys are not ready for any type of commitments. Focus on other things. Actually focus on school or friends or band. Literally anything would have been better than thinking about boys all day. When you're older (19), it clicks. Want to know why? Because once you graduate high school and everyone around you is college age, it's so easy to get anyone and anything you want. Boys at this age are stupid. They will stick their dicks in anything. It's boring and to be honest, kind of disgusting. Every guy you meet acts the same way. It's better to just focus on something else.

When you're older, you gain more confidence. You get braces, then you get them off a year and a half later. Your acne clears up a bit and you do some crazy experiments with your hair. This opens up your true personality. You start working in customer service and become a somewhat friendly, but sassy person. You're not as shy as you used to be around strangers. You get a cool tattoo behind your ear and some secret piercings. You're finally happy with the way you look. You're self esteem has shot up and it's kinda affected  your ego. But you use it to your advantage. By that I mean you use your ego as a basis for jokes and comedy. People like you. That's not saying "OMG everyone totally loves me." I mean people actually enjoy your presence and are happy to see you. That's what you always wanted.

When you're 20, you do a lot of really really really stupid things. Drugs, sex, alcohol. Typical things you do at this age. But it doesn't last long. Too much partying catches up to you real quick when you do one extra stupid thing. Remember when you swore you would never become the thing your parents never wanted you to be? Well this is the age you realize that you weren't put on earth to please your parents. This is the age you realize you truly are your own person and you make your own decisions. You have to now. You're making decisions for 2. This is the age you got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. This is the age you truly fell in love.

You're going to make mistakes. Learn from them. Keep these things in your head so you can guide your daughter and hopefully she won't struggle as much as you did.

Sincerely,

20 year old Rachael
5/10/17

The Countdown to Willow

Not much longer now. I'm having a baby. It's the most terrifying yet exciting thing that's ever happened to me. I have a huge range of emotions going on inside me. The thing I have been thinking about lately is labor. I am totally ready, but I'm also not. I could watch all the videos, read all the books and articles, listen to everyone's story and STILL not know what to expect. I'm told often, "have a birth plan," but how can you plan out your birth when you have no clue what is going to happen. Thinking about all of the possible outcomes (emergency c-section, begging for an epidural, being induced) gives me anxiety. In a perfect world, I would have a natural birth that takes no longer than 6 hours. When they want me to start pushing, I have my birth partner play the song "Push It" by Salt n Pepa and I won't have to push for more than 4 minutes. My baby comes out nice and pink and she only cries for a minute then shuts up for the rest of her life. (I don't mean that in the sense that she dies, I mean she is just a quiet baby...) I think potentially, it could go that way. I somewhat expect it to be easy. I've had such a low risk pregnancy. I don't have so many aches and pains like most women. In fact, the majority of my pregnancy symptoms were all mental (i.e. mood swings, extra annoying voice, complaining when I really don't have anything to complain about). Physically, I feel great. Yes my back hurts from time to time, but it's because I sat weird or I'm having Braxton Hicks. My feet always hurt, but that's because I'm always on them. The reason I complain about stupid things is really just because I like to hear myself talk. Is that so wrong? (Yes.)

I started my maternity leave on the 6th, which means I'm busy doing things that actually matter to me. The nursery is coming together nicely. Just need to wash all of Willow's sheets and blankets before I can put them in her crib. I walk into her room and feel like there is something missing. Then it hits me every time, I still don't have a rocking chair. It's not a huge deal. In fact, if we had it now, it would take up a lot of space and I don't need to be moving around that while putting everything else together. Slowly but surely, it's coming together. I'm not very big on interior design, even though I would like to be. I move stuff around and then I decide, well I don't like that there. I don't know where things should go.


But it's quite alright. I find pleasure just being in her room. It's quiet for now. Waiting for Willow's arrival is agony. But it's also teaching me how to have patience. I'm able to sit and meditate and just be present. Now that I'm not working, I'm a little less stressed. But there are now other areas of my life that I've been ignoring for some time that are causing me stress. My family would be one of them. I love them, but your family naturally drives you nuts. Watching them interact with each other makes me just as crazy as dealing with stupid people at my job. It's easy to ignore, but it's also slightly entertaining (sometimes). My grandmother moved in with us about 2 years ago and up until now, I've been able to work as much as I need to so I can get a break from her. She's just crazy is all. Something I don't like is that she feels the need to do all of the chores in the house. Normally, I'm perfectly fine with that, but right now it's a bit difficult for me to not be irritated. Now that I'm approaching labor, I've started nesting. I want to clean everything. I want to do the dishes and the laundry and vacuum. Not being able to do these things is like stopping by the cupcake shop, taking a good whiff and watching the cupcakes and NOT buying anything. It's absolute torture.

Regardless of all the crap I just spit out, I'm very excited. My daughter will be here soon and I can't wait to be a mommy.

The End Is Near

I wouldn't say I'm one that likes to talk about my sadness. I don't like to complain about the things that really upset me and beat me up inside. I don't like talking about my home life or my family. But now that I have a baby on the way, a lot of people are asking me questions. "Are you ready? Have You finished the baby's room? How are you feeling?" I'm not ready. We've barely started on her room. I'm feeling absolutely terrible. There are so many things going on in my head, but I can't talk about that with people. I can't even really talk about it with people that I thought I was close to. Why not? Because I'm not close with anyone. I don't tend to keep friends around. In my experience, there are very few people you can depend on. And maybe that's my own fault for having the belief that you shouldn't keep people around who don't benefit you.  For a long time, I was okay with that. Because for a long time, I was okay with not dealing with my problems. But now that my daughter is being thrown into the mix, I don't want to sit around and complain about my problems. I want to take action. I want to take matters into my own hands. But I don't know what to do. I'm 37 weeks pregnant. My brain doesn't work the same way it used to. My body isn't as strong as it used to be. Pregnancy has made me lazy and unmotivated. My effectiveness at work has declined. My school I just started a month ago has already been put on the back burner. All I can think about is all of the things that need to get done around the house. All of the things I need to do to prepare. And all of the things I can't do.

I try to replace these stressful thoughts with soothing ones. I try to think about my labor. I picture myself having a strong mental state through my entire labor. I think about how I'll feel when I finally get to hold my daughter in my arms. I think about dressing her up in cute outfits. I think about making funny faces to her, playing with her, watching her sleep and thinking how lucky I am and how strong of a woman I will raise her to be. I want to be her superhero. I want to show her what it means to be strong and independent. As much stuff as there still is to do, I keep myself sane by looking past it. I look to the future. All I can do at this point is have faith that everything will get done before Willow is here.

Decisions

My decision not to terminate my pregnancy was deeply and carefully analyzed. Like any woman in my position, an unwanted pregnancy is the WORST thing that could possibly happen. You never think it could happen to you... until it does. 

Every decision you have ever made has brought you to the point where you are now. My decision not to terminate my pregnancy got me to where I am today, and I couldn't be happier. I'm so excited to be moving on to the next stage in my life. Motherhood is something I always saw for myself. I wouldn't say I would make much of a wife, but I know I'll be a damn good mom. It's what I was made for. 

For some women, they don't quite feel the same way. I was that way for a while when I first found out. They never saw themselves as a mother. They don't feel they are ready to raise a child of their own. Or maybe their situation is a difficult one and they don't want to bring a child into that. The decision on what to do with a pregnancy is a woman's choice alone. 

My first reaction to finding out I was pregnant was to terminate the baby. I felt I couldn't stand the shame I would receive from the people I actually knew personally. They would apologize because this would be a horrible tragedy. A 20 year old, single mother. And with the situation surrounding the origin of my child, they would call me a hoe. I was scared. So I opted for abortion. The opinions of people I knew were far more important to me than the strangers who would be waiting to call me a whore and a sinner outside the clinic. 

But when I went to the clinic for the first time and I saw the little lizard inside of my tummy, something changed. Yes, I was still upset. I was still thinking of my option to terminate. But thoughts started running through my head of what it might be like to actually be a mother. Before I made any decision, I had already started changing as a person. I looked at the world differently. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I pictured a small child holding my hand walking next to me. I would be sitting at home writing, thinking about holding my child in my arms. I would picture myself singing to my baby while I was listening to music. I couldn't get the thought of being a mom out of my head.

When I saw my daughter in my tummy, I fell in love right there. It was a love I had never felt before. In the past, my parents have told me they would take a bullet for me and no one will ever love me like they do. It had never really hit me what they meant until now. I know how that love feels now. I would die for this little girl. I would do absolutely everything I could to protect her. Nothing makes me happier than thinking about holding her, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh. I can't wait to meet her. 

_________________________

Some women never have the feeling I felt. That's okay. Maybe they do, but to them, it isn't logically sound for them to have a child. That's okay too. If a woman decides to terminate, that's her decision. It's a sad one, but ultimately, it's all her. It's not a human's place to judge. We have a right to our opinions, but it is not our right to hurt others based on those opinions. (Some might say "so a woman hurting her unborn baby because of her opinion to terminate is okay?" You're the worst kind of person.) Unless you are going to help take care of that child after it's born, you have no right to say anything to that woman.

Be kind. Treat people with respect. Don't judge others. Don't be a dick.