Dear Me

Dear 15 year old Rachael,

Oh how there are so many things I wish to tell you. You're going to make A LOT of mistakes. But you will learn from most of them. There are some mistakes you will make that do take a bit longer to sink in. Pretty much anything that has to do with a boy. You won't understand those until you're 20. I was reading some of the things you wrote in your old journal. So naive. And that's okay. Most girls your age were. But did you really think that having a boyfriend was going to make you happy? I understand, you had never been with anyone before. You couldn't grasp the commitment of what a real relationship took. Commitment is hard. Why didn't guys like you? Rachael, they did. Just not the guys you wanted. I get it, "bad boys are hot." But were they really? The guys you liked were morons.

If I could truly speak to my younger self, I would like to say that boys are not important at all. Young boys are not ready for any type of commitments. Focus on other things. Actually focus on school or friends or band. Literally anything would have been better than thinking about boys all day. When you're older (19), it clicks. Want to know why? Because once you graduate high school and everyone around you is college age, it's so easy to get anyone and anything you want. Boys at this age are stupid. They will stick their dicks in anything. It's boring and to be honest, kind of disgusting. Every guy you meet acts the same way. It's better to just focus on something else.

When you're older, you gain more confidence. You get braces, then you get them off a year and a half later. Your acne clears up a bit and you do some crazy experiments with your hair. This opens up your true personality. You start working in customer service and become a somewhat friendly, but sassy person. You're not as shy as you used to be around strangers. You get a cool tattoo behind your ear and some secret piercings. You're finally happy with the way you look. You're self esteem has shot up and it's kinda affected  your ego. But you use it to your advantage. By that I mean you use your ego as a basis for jokes and comedy. People like you. That's not saying "OMG everyone totally loves me." I mean people actually enjoy your presence and are happy to see you. That's what you always wanted.

When you're 20, you do a lot of really really really stupid things. Drugs, sex, alcohol. Typical things you do at this age. But it doesn't last long. Too much partying catches up to you real quick when you do one extra stupid thing. Remember when you swore you would never become the thing your parents never wanted you to be? Well this is the age you realize that you weren't put on earth to please your parents. This is the age you realize you truly are your own person and you make your own decisions. You have to now. You're making decisions for 2. This is the age you got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. This is the age you truly fell in love.

You're going to make mistakes. Learn from them. Keep these things in your head so you can guide your daughter and hopefully she won't struggle as much as you did.

Sincerely,

20 year old Rachael
5/10/17

The Countdown to Willow

Not much longer now. I'm having a baby. It's the most terrifying yet exciting thing that's ever happened to me. I have a huge range of emotions going on inside me. The thing I have been thinking about lately is labor. I am totally ready, but I'm also not. I could watch all the videos, read all the books and articles, listen to everyone's story and STILL not know what to expect. I'm told often, "have a birth plan," but how can you plan out your birth when you have no clue what is going to happen. Thinking about all of the possible outcomes (emergency c-section, begging for an epidural, being induced) gives me anxiety. In a perfect world, I would have a natural birth that takes no longer than 6 hours. When they want me to start pushing, I have my birth partner play the song "Push It" by Salt n Pepa and I won't have to push for more than 4 minutes. My baby comes out nice and pink and she only cries for a minute then shuts up for the rest of her life. (I don't mean that in the sense that she dies, I mean she is just a quiet baby...) I think potentially, it could go that way. I somewhat expect it to be easy. I've had such a low risk pregnancy. I don't have so many aches and pains like most women. In fact, the majority of my pregnancy symptoms were all mental (i.e. mood swings, extra annoying voice, complaining when I really don't have anything to complain about). Physically, I feel great. Yes my back hurts from time to time, but it's because I sat weird or I'm having Braxton Hicks. My feet always hurt, but that's because I'm always on them. The reason I complain about stupid things is really just because I like to hear myself talk. Is that so wrong? (Yes.)

I started my maternity leave on the 6th, which means I'm busy doing things that actually matter to me. The nursery is coming together nicely. Just need to wash all of Willow's sheets and blankets before I can put them in her crib. I walk into her room and feel like there is something missing. Then it hits me every time, I still don't have a rocking chair. It's not a huge deal. In fact, if we had it now, it would take up a lot of space and I don't need to be moving around that while putting everything else together. Slowly but surely, it's coming together. I'm not very big on interior design, even though I would like to be. I move stuff around and then I decide, well I don't like that there. I don't know where things should go.


But it's quite alright. I find pleasure just being in her room. It's quiet for now. Waiting for Willow's arrival is agony. But it's also teaching me how to have patience. I'm able to sit and meditate and just be present. Now that I'm not working, I'm a little less stressed. But there are now other areas of my life that I've been ignoring for some time that are causing me stress. My family would be one of them. I love them, but your family naturally drives you nuts. Watching them interact with each other makes me just as crazy as dealing with stupid people at my job. It's easy to ignore, but it's also slightly entertaining (sometimes). My grandmother moved in with us about 2 years ago and up until now, I've been able to work as much as I need to so I can get a break from her. She's just crazy is all. Something I don't like is that she feels the need to do all of the chores in the house. Normally, I'm perfectly fine with that, but right now it's a bit difficult for me to not be irritated. Now that I'm approaching labor, I've started nesting. I want to clean everything. I want to do the dishes and the laundry and vacuum. Not being able to do these things is like stopping by the cupcake shop, taking a good whiff and watching the cupcakes and NOT buying anything. It's absolute torture.

Regardless of all the crap I just spit out, I'm very excited. My daughter will be here soon and I can't wait to be a mommy.