I wouldn't say I'm one that likes to talk about my sadness. I don't like to complain about the things that really upset me and beat me up inside. I don't like talking about my home life or my family. But now that I have a baby on the way, a lot of people are asking me questions. "Are you ready? Have You finished the baby's room? How are you feeling?" I'm not ready. We've barely started on her room. I'm feeling absolutely terrible. There are so many things going on in my head, but I can't talk about that with people. I can't even really talk about it with people that I thought I was close to. Why not? Because I'm not close with anyone. I don't tend to keep friends around. In my experience, there are very few people you can depend on. And maybe that's my own fault for having the belief that you shouldn't keep people around who don't benefit you. For a long time, I was okay with that. Because for a long time, I was okay with not dealing with my problems. But now that my daughter is being thrown into the mix, I don't want to sit around and complain about my problems. I want to take action. I want to take matters into my own hands. But I don't know what to do. I'm 37 weeks pregnant. My brain doesn't work the same way it used to. My body isn't as strong as it used to be. Pregnancy has made me lazy and unmotivated. My effectiveness at work has declined. My school I just started a month ago has already been put on the back burner. All I can think about is all of the things that need to get done around the house. All of the things I need to do to prepare. And all of the things I can't do.
I try to replace these stressful thoughts with soothing ones. I try to think about my labor. I picture myself having a strong mental state through my entire labor. I think about how I'll feel when I finally get to hold my daughter in my arms. I think about dressing her up in cute outfits. I think about making funny faces to her, playing with her, watching her sleep and thinking how lucky I am and how strong of a woman I will raise her to be. I want to be her superhero. I want to show her what it means to be strong and independent. As much stuff as there still is to do, I keep myself sane by looking past it. I look to the future. All I can do at this point is have faith that everything will get done before Willow is here.
