Dear Me

Dear 15 year old Rachael,

Oh how there are so many things I wish to tell you. You're going to make A LOT of mistakes. But you will learn from most of them. There are some mistakes you will make that do take a bit longer to sink in. Pretty much anything that has to do with a boy. You won't understand those until you're 20. I was reading some of the things you wrote in your old journal. So naive. And that's okay. Most girls your age were. But did you really think that having a boyfriend was going to make you happy? I understand, you had never been with anyone before. You couldn't grasp the commitment of what a real relationship took. Commitment is hard. Why didn't guys like you? Rachael, they did. Just not the guys you wanted. I get it, "bad boys are hot." But were they really? The guys you liked were morons.

If I could truly speak to my younger self, I would like to say that boys are not important at all. Young boys are not ready for any type of commitments. Focus on other things. Actually focus on school or friends or band. Literally anything would have been better than thinking about boys all day. When you're older (19), it clicks. Want to know why? Because once you graduate high school and everyone around you is college age, it's so easy to get anyone and anything you want. Boys at this age are stupid. They will stick their dicks in anything. It's boring and to be honest, kind of disgusting. Every guy you meet acts the same way. It's better to just focus on something else.

When you're older, you gain more confidence. You get braces, then you get them off a year and a half later. Your acne clears up a bit and you do some crazy experiments with your hair. This opens up your true personality. You start working in customer service and become a somewhat friendly, but sassy person. You're not as shy as you used to be around strangers. You get a cool tattoo behind your ear and some secret piercings. You're finally happy with the way you look. You're self esteem has shot up and it's kinda affected  your ego. But you use it to your advantage. By that I mean you use your ego as a basis for jokes and comedy. People like you. That's not saying "OMG everyone totally loves me." I mean people actually enjoy your presence and are happy to see you. That's what you always wanted.

When you're 20, you do a lot of really really really stupid things. Drugs, sex, alcohol. Typical things you do at this age. But it doesn't last long. Too much partying catches up to you real quick when you do one extra stupid thing. Remember when you swore you would never become the thing your parents never wanted you to be? Well this is the age you realize that you weren't put on earth to please your parents. This is the age you realize you truly are your own person and you make your own decisions. You have to now. You're making decisions for 2. This is the age you got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. This is the age you truly fell in love.

You're going to make mistakes. Learn from them. Keep these things in your head so you can guide your daughter and hopefully she won't struggle as much as you did.

Sincerely,

20 year old Rachael
5/10/17