#MeToo

I don't ever want another man to touch me ever again. Ever since my last encounter with a man, everything else has been more intense. The way I feel about life is more intense. The encounter wasn't bad or anything, but the circumstances of how I got into the situation wasn't good. I haven't been feeling well emotionally lately and on the way to meet this guy, I kept telling myself, "you can turn around at anytime. You don't have to do this." But I kept going. I took myself to that place. I let myself drink and I let him inside me. I did want it in that moment. And I don't blame him for anything. He did nothing wrong. I can't say that for other men and other situations I've been in. I feel like I'm just a body. Like I'm a thing people use for their own pleasure.

Yesterday, I went to a church to see my friend get baptized. I am very happy for him. I am happy that he has found what it was he was looking for. While I was there, I heard this man's testimony. During his story, I began to feel something. He spoke of how he was sexually abused when he was young. Like 5 or 6. When he spoke of this, I something deep inside me wanting to burst out and say "Me too." Ever since then, I keep thinking about everything that's happened to me and to every other woman. I thought something was calling me to go back to the church today to hear the Sunday service. I got dressed, even put on makeup. I drove to Dallas, doing my best to not crash my car. When I arrived, I felt eyes on me. These eyes said "you don't belong here." I don't believe it was the people. I believe it was my own anxiety and that no one was really even paying attention to me. But when I arrived to the sanctuary, the service was over. It had happened earlier and I missed it. And my heart shattered in that moment. I left the church in tears. The man at the door asked if I was okay, and I replied, "I'm fine," while smiling through the tears. No one could help me. I went to God for help, and he wasn't there.

I'm completely alone. We all are.

Men think they have some kind of claim over women. Like we're their property. They think they can do whatever they want with us. And we're terrified of talking about it. We're afraid because they could hurt us. And they'll get away with it simply because of their gender. I so desperately wish I could talk about what happened to me. But I can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to share my story. Women in my position feel a need to protect their abuser. Typically because it's a friend, neighbor, or even a family member. We still see this person on a regular basis, because we don't have a choice. But we're are afraid of them.

For so long, I had pushed these thoughts and memories to the back of my mind. It wasn't until I found out I was having a girl that the memories came back. I started having nightmares of my abuser. I was terrified of them being around my child. I still am. I still get really anxious when they are around her. I try to keep the closest eye on her when this person is around.

Lately, things have been getting worse. I think of my moods as colors, and lately I've been very gray, rather than my usual pink. It feels as though there's something missing in my life. And I keep thinking that I need a person. I fantasize about a man that loves and respects me, and only wants my happiness. But I don't see that happening. I don't see myself actually being happy with someone. Because who would love someone like me. I don't have a good track record with relationships.

My mom asked me today where I want to be in two years. I couldn't tell her that I don't see myself in two years. I don't feel like I'm gonna be around in two years. If I am, it's the same place I'm in right now. Sure, I have hope that things will get better, but who knows if I keep falling into the same routines that I've been in.

My daughter turned one last week. I am trying so hard to stay here for her. I want to be there when she goes to school, when she cries over some stupid boy, when she goes to college (if she chooses that path). I want to see her grow up and live her life to the fullest. But I don't want to just watch her. I want to live my life with her. I want to experience things with her. I want to show her the world. I love her more than anything in the world. She is my most amazing accomplishment.