Week 13

The nausea has gone down significantly. I still feel sick sometimes, but I haven't thrown up in quite awhile. I've gotten a feel for how I should be eating and how often. As far as the bump, it's small, but visible. Other parts of my body are getting bigger too, but I've lost weight. 127lbs down to 124lbs when I last measured. I don't know if this is good or bad? I'm still healthy as ever.

Emotionally, I feel angry. All the time. At everything and everyone. Well, everyone except my mom. But I'm especially angry when I'm driving or if I'm talking to my best friend... or any man. It could be the hormones, but I think there's an underlying issue that has recently come to surface. Now that I'm having a child, I think about how I want to raise them. What kind of parent do I want to be? What do I want to teach my child? How do I want them to grow up? I think back to how I was raised and I don't want it to be like that. I want to teach my child that they can do or be anything they want. I want to influence them to change the world. Be kind and inspire others. I want them to have a free spirit to go where they want. I don't want my child to feel caged like I did. I want them to be open minded and loving. 

--- I should not take breaks when writing. I end up totally forgetting about posts. ---

I recently had a spiritual healing session and I feel that it's changed me. Or it's changed how I feel about things and people and myself. I've become more aware of who I truly am. And now I want to work towards showing the real me instead of putting up a front like I normally do. I want to teach my child to be his/her self. 

I've had many epiphanies lately and one of them is how I view men. Every single man in my life has pushed me. My dad, boyfriends, guys who liked me but I didn't like them. I've come to realize that I just don't like men. I don't like women much either, but I'm the type of person where I enjoy platonic relationships rather than romantic ones. Guys always want more than what you give. And I don't ever give because I never usually like anyone. But guys want to know what you want immediately. In this day and age, dating is fast paced. No one takes their time to really get to know a person before making a commitment. I'm not about that. Well, not now anyways...

These posts get more and more difficult as time goes on. 

Updated 11 Weeks

At the time I wrote my last blog post, it was 2 days before I was officially 11 weeks. Blogger has this really cool feature where you can schedule a post to be posted. But today (the actual first day of my 11th week) I went to the hospital. At about 10pm last night, I started vomiting. I don't think anything of it until it was about 2AM and I hadn't slept because I was vomiting. I didn't get any sleep last night. I couldn't hold anything down. So at around 7am, I woke my dad to take me to the ER. They gave me fluids and some medication and told me sometimes this happens. Of course, I had never had sickness this bad before so yes, it was normal for me to worry. They prescribed me some medicine and recommended I take gummy prenatals. The hard pills really tear up my stomach. And as of lately, I'm very sensitive too almost everything. Smells and tastes.

Other than that, everything is well. I'm taking it easy and resting as much as I can. I'm beyond exhausted. Thank you to everyone for the prayers I received. Baby and I are grateful for everyone.

11 Weeks

I haven't puked in awhile, but I still feel queasy sometimes. You could probably say I have a bump if you looked hard enough. I still say it's just all the food I'm eating. I've always had a pouched belly, so it doesn't look any different to me. Which is fine. Most women don't show for another couple of weeks. Other parts of my body are changing too. This might come as a shock to some people, but I recently had to take my nipple piercings out. It was a disappointing day for me. I didn't even have them for six months. But the left one got infected easily and it got to a point where it wasn't healing like usually. I knew eventually they would have to come out so I could breastfeed, I'm just upset that it happened so soon.

With the situation I'm in, there is a lot of drama surrounding me. Drama I didn't ask for. But I'm carefully weeding people out of my life so that I can focus on the baby and my family. Sometimes, even your closest friends are toxic. It doesn't matter if they say they're gonna be there for you, because you know in the end, the only ones you can truly count on is yourself and God. Speaking of, I have realized how much of a blessing this baby is to me. Just the thought of raising a child brings me closer to God. It makes me angry when other people around me tell me how I should raise my child. It makes me REALLY angry when I tell them I plan on raising them a certain way and they return with, "No you won't. You don't want them to end up like *insert stereotype here*." I don't need advice from someone who has never had the intimate experience of raising their own immediate flesh and blood. Being an aunt is way different than being a mother. The only people I take my advice from is the Lord Almighty and the two parents that raised me into the strong, independent woman I am today. It's not a pride thing. It's not an ego thing. It's a mother thing. Unless you have been a mother, I don't want to hear it.

Maybe you can tell, I've been angry lately. I've been angry with the people in my life. I've been angry with my job. I've been angry with my lowered appetite. But I've recently obtained a new job away from all of the people that I let have this terrible power over me. I'm excited to be starting in a new place, doing a completely new thing. I won't know anyone. I can start fresh. The plan is to not get close to anyone, which I don't think should be too much of a problem. I get the feeling it won't be as fun, but it will be safe and stress-free (as far as drama goes). Starting something new always gives me anxiety, but it takes time to get used to something. For me, I strive to be the best in everything I do.

This journey is an interesting one so far, but I'm 1/4 of the way until the REAL fun begins.

9 Weeks

I violently threw up this morning... I'm sure that's not the first thing you wanted to read, but this is my life as of the past few weeks. I had a good routine going. Eat a couple crackers and drink water before I get out of bed. That would give me enough time to make actual breakfast before dry heaving my tum tum up. Throwing up is bad, but dry heaving is the WORST. You don't feel any better afterwards. I discovered today that puking up broccoli sucks. It's painful and extremely disgusting when you do it mid-chew...

According to my Pregnancy+ app, baby is the size of a grape. I decided it would be cute to change the blog background every week to a picture of whatever fruit the baby is. I'm so clever -__- (If you're reading on mobile, you can't see my adorable little template. Sucks to be you!)

Cravings. Ah yes, you hear all the time about pregnant women getting strange cravings for weird foods. I've yet to experience a continuous craving of one particular food, but I can say I do crave food. Any food. I like food. I feel so hungry all the time. I try to eat healthy, but that's difficult for me. It's not that I don't like to eat healthy, I just have a habit of eating a lot of fast food. It sucks that when you become pregnant, your habits have to change immediately if you want a healthy pregnancy. You don't have time to wean yourself into the lifestyle. It's a quick change that turns your world upside down. Normally, I welcome change, but this is a difficult one. It's hard, but I'm trying.

Sometimes, I just sit down and start to write. I don't necessarily know what it is I'm writing about or if anything makes sense. Sometimes the words come to me so fast that I can't keep up. My imagination gets the best of me. That's why I could never get super stoned like most people. My anxiety went out of control. It was scary and for whatever reason, everything felt like death. I know this doesn't have anything to do with pregnancy, but it has to do with my writing. Ultimately, writing gives me purpose. As much as I physically write in my journal, I probably have several novels worth of material. Writing gives me escape. It gives  me the ability to deal with my problems in a healthy way. It helps me to think clearly. It's meditative to me. And I'm glad that writing is a passion of mine. Now that I'm expecting a child, writing is something I can do without taking time away from my child. I'm terrified of thinking about putting my kid in daycare or taking them to school because I have to work. I never want to do that. If I had the opportunity, I would like to home school. I've talked to so many people my age without kids, saying that it's not healthy and the kid won't be good at socializing. But that's not true at all. The thing is, the world isn't safe anymore. School shooting, clowns, Donald Trump. The world is a dangerous place. I'm not being "Over-protective." I'm looking out for my kid. Judge me if you will, but it's my job to keep my kid safe.

I still have a long way to before I pop this thing out, but I look forward to the rest of this journey.

"Oh, We Don't Care As Long As It's Healthy."

A lot of people ask me, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" And I tell them I want a boy terribly. I was recently told that I shouldn't get my hopes up and that I should just pray that it's healthy. Sometimes, I get offended when I hear this. If I want to pray for a boy, that's what I'll do. And if by some chance my child isn't "healthy" (by society's standards), then that's fine. That's my baby. I've actually pictured how I would feel if my baby was autistic or had another health issue. Sure it's a bit of a disappointment, but that's my baby. I still love my baby. Boy or girl, gay or straight, mentally or physically handicapped, I love my baby. I admire mothers who go through the struggle of raising handicapped children. To us, they aren't heroes, but to their children, they are stronger than every comic book character combined. 

I want a boy. I won't be disappointed if I have a girl and I won't be angry if it has an affliction. Babies are babies. Babies are cute. 

Turning The Page

There's a lot of unnecessary drama that goes on in my life. That's why I've always liked to be alone. I've isolated myself a lot. Very rarely I find someone I'm comfortable with. But with every friend comes their load of drama and issues. You gotta find the ones worth keeping around despite their "load." Keep in mind, if you're in any kind of relationship that doesn't benefit you, maybe you should limit the time and emotion you allow that person to receive from you. That's what relationships are all about, so you aren't a bad person for cutting someone off.

Very recently, my circumstances have changed. If it was just me I had to worry about, I don't mind drama. I don't mind people talking about me. But now that I have a little one to think about, there's very little I will tolerate. I don't have the time, patience, or energy to deal with the stupidity of others. All I ever want to think about is my child and how I can raise it in the best ways possible. I couldn't care less about what people say about me. I couldn't care less about what people think I should do about my situation. As a mother, I feel that I know what will be best for my child. Now I understand how my parents felt, and still feel about raising me. Consider this my apology for all of the difficult times I've caused for you. You did the very best you could and I'm forever grateful. Thank you. Now it's my turn to make the tough decisions. I'm excited and anxious to see what woman I will grow into as I become the best mom ever.